The ever present sanctuary
On the secure sanctuary which is always only ever a gentle turning away
In self-enquiry, we begin by asking ourselves questions such as “who is suffering?”, or “who am ‘I’?” By doing so, it may be possible to see that, what I think I am is constantly changing - when I was a child I wanted to be a fireman, not so much now. A few years ago I liked political party X, now I like political party Y. Yesterday I was sad, now I feel happy. Now I am bored, but an hour ago I was excited.
What remains the same in all these changing thoughts about “me” is the “I”. “I” am tired, “I” am happy, “I” am suffering. This I is always “there”. It is the eye which sees all that transpires. As such, when I say something like “I am sad”, this is not true - a long-hand, but more accurate thought would be, “I am aware of feelings of sadness”. The “I” doesn’t change, the seeing or knowing doesn’t change, only the “content” of this knowing comes and goes.
It is worthwhile sitting for a few minutes and watching all this content appear and disappear. It’s constantly moving and changing (especially mental content), yet something remains the same - the ever-present “I”, the knowing. If one can, even for a moment, not get taken away by the content but rather be knowingly aware as it comes and goes, in that moment, freedom is possible.
It is fruitless to try and understand with the mind what this knowing-awareness is - the eye cannot see itself. Concepts are not able to encapsulate this raw subjectivity. At best we can point - with talk about a boundless space in which all things (perceptions, thoughts feelings) appear. But there is no spatial dimension to knowing, it is not here, and not over there.
As we practice standing in this knowing-awareness, it becomes more natural to reside there. Its fragrance comes to permeate our day-to-day life - and the wonderful thing is that it is always there. There is never a moment that is separate from this knowing. Even when we are apparently lost in the endless flow of the world, it is there, it never left. In a millisecond we can “return”, by withdrawing our consent to be engaged in the things of the world, and “turn around” to soak in knowing-awareness.
The mind or controller tries to come up with complicated ways to reach this knowing-awareness, but it can be instant, as soon as one realises, it is there.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God.
Romans 8:38-39
In reality, there is no “turning around”, for you were always aware, even when “lost” in the world, but that is a reasonable metaphor. There is no distance to travel.
When suffering arises, it is a signal that you have forgotten who you are. You have confused yourself, “mixed” yourself with phenomena. Ask yourself, “who is suffering?” Or “am I aware?”, and trace your way back to this knowing-awareness. The answer is not a thought or series of thoughts, it is a simple Presence. It is always available, for it is “you”. But more than what the mind thinks as “you” - it stretches into the boundless depths of the infinite.
The more you do this, the easier this “return” becomes.
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:2
Rejoice then as you understand that nothing can hurt you; hurt what you really are - this Presence, this unbounded space which can “handle” all that appears in it.
The sanctuary, the stronghold, has never left. It is always there, underneath all things, and it only takes a gentle turning to arrive.
Andrew, You have found a way to speak of the ineffable...and it is beautiful! Thank you, brother!