Some years ago, in the middle of our family’s evening routine, my wife and I were called frantically next door by our neighbour. Her poor father had suffered a heart attack and was lying on the kitchen floor of their house, clearly deceased. Nevertheless, my wife and I performed CPR on the man while waiting for the paramedics to arrive. Thankfully my father-in-law was visiting at the time, so our kids were looked after. The story did not have a happy ending.
Thinking myself a stoic male, I denied the help offered by the police in the form of a trauma psychologist. I was disturbed by the events of that afternoon - death is a confronting sight and experience, nothing like the Hollywood depiction - yet I figured I would be totally fine in a day or two.
Little did I know that this would be the beginning of years of struggle with diagnosed anxiety. I began to have panic attacks and associated chest tightness, making me believe I was about to have a heart attack. Images flooded my mind, picturing my children having to see their father in the same condition as that poor neighbour. Life become something of a torturous affair for a while.
Slowly but surely, with changes to my life like more frequent exercise, my anxiety become more “manageable”. My Christian faith was a help, but still I yearned for the “peace that surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:6). No matter what spiritual tributary within Christianity I followed, no matter what prayer practice or devotion, that lasting peace seemed always beyond my grasp.
Nevertheless, I was now able to “function” within my family life and work without crippling panic attacks and other associated anxiety symptoms. Yet this was hardly living the abundant life that Christ promised.
It was only when I began on the non-dual path did this lasting peace open up as a real possibility.
For the real explanation of a lack of peace is resistance to what is. There is a resistance to what is only when there is a resister - some centre or person who resists. It is when there is some apparent entity who wishes things to be other than what they are. In other words, when there is an apparent duality in being.
Without that apparent personal centre, there is simply space. An open field of awareness which allows all things to rise and fall within it.
Consider - is there anything that your awareness resists in experience? Does it resist the dog suddenly barking down the street? Or the sharp pain in your leg? Or the taste of a delicious meal?
Awareness effortlessly allows all phenomena. This is why the concept of “space” is a useful metaphor for awareness - does the space in a room resist you placing a chair within it? Likewise with awareness - it provides no resistance to what arises, it holds onto nothing that falls away.
It is only this strange falsehood of the self that resists and holds on. Yet it is ultimately an illusion - for what is taken to be “me” is, in itself, simply more risings and fallings in awareness. It is not some stable entity, with its own existence. It is rather the mere appearance of such stability. When examined through self-enquiry, it is seen to be as ephemeral as smoke - no more stable than a cloud drifting across a clear sky.
Feelings of anxiety still arise in awareness, even now. As do pains when I hurt myself. As do branches swaying in the breeze. But when the illusion of self is realised resistance tends to drop away, either suddenly or gradually. The centre disappears and all that is left is space - with all risings and fallings occurring effortlessly within it.
This space of knowing is infinite, boundless - it can accommodate all things. I no longer fight anxiety when it arises, for there is no “I” to do the fighting. The peace that surpasses all understanding reigns more and more “in” me. This peace heals all things, and the feelings arrive less and less frequently. By allowing them to arrive without resistance, without self, they unfurl and have their say, and subsequently they no longer arise as frequently.
If you suffer anxiety and it is destroying your life, by all means seek out professional help. But if it is a simmering problem, robbing your life of joy, I would heartily recommend self-enquiry, meditation and the non-dual path.
May we all feel more and more that unbounded peace and abundant life that Christ spoke about so long ago.
This happened to me when I was about 8. I started to understand the concept of death and a picture of infinity blackness keep coming back in my mind without memory of all the things and people I know. I was in a state of depression and panic attacks for like a year. I didn’t know how to cope with it other than paint another picture in my mind of a beautiful nature where God awaits for me. I didn’t even know I was resisting. Then when I turned 18. Awareness rising here and there. I knew that there was this Awareness but because I couldn’t understand it I wanted it to go away. I distracted myself with more thoughts like this can’t be... God is always watching me. From ego’s point of view it was comforting. Now I am 26 and with wisdom I am resisting less. Accepting what is. I definitely had moments where it was very painful psychologically and I would sweat and shiver. It all had to happen. I guess that’s old conditioning breaking down. The only thing I could do is witness. Control is illusion. It gets easier with practice.
Thank you for this writing. It’s insightful.
Your writings truly resonate. I was reminded of a saying my dear friend would repeat to me... “We struggle to hold on and we struggle to let go.”